Teary and Awestruck

For two years, I kept a journal to document our adoption journey. I did it so, one day, Marra would know how very much we wanted her and how I loved her before she was even born. I know that sounds cheesy. And this will sound cheesy, too – as I read through the journal just now, after more than 30 years, I got alternately teary and awestruck.

Teary from the painful memories of disappointment after disappointment – sending paperwork to Peru and having adoptions shut down. Then experiencing the same scenario in Brazil. Then Bolivia. Going through two home studies because ours expired. Having psychological evaluations. Criminal background checks. Fingerprinting. Letters from friends and pastors. I remember thinking how unfair it was that you didn’t have to do all that before you got pregnant.

Finally moving our paperwork to Guatemala. And the elation of getting the call that our baby was born. Then the heartbreak that came with the call informing us the mom had changed her mind. Heartbroken, yes, but at the same time heartened and happy that the baby was staying with her birth mom. A confluence of emotions that’s all part of the adoption journey.

Now the awestruck part. Knowing what I know now, wow.  Just wow.  All paths led to Guatemala. And to Marra. All those disappointments led to a path of profound joy.

And I’m kind of amazed at how dogged and determined I was. It really was like I knew she was out there. There was a peace through all the craziness. Suffice it to say even when my mom told me she couldn’t love a child who “wasn’t of her blood” I was not deterred. Yes, it hurt. A lot of stuff hurt. But somehow I knew it would all be ok. In my mind, it was a God thing. (And, by the way, Mama loved Marra more than any human on Earth as soon as she laid eyes on her.)

That in itself was miraculous. So much of the journey was. The stars aligned. And our little story attempts to capture all those long ago ups and downs. Rereading my journal makes me believe again. That miracles really do happen. And that believing in the power of the universe – and love – and goodness - isn’t stupid. We need that kind of hope now more than ever. I hope Marra’s Star provides a twinkle of hope for someone who needs it.